1. Diana Vickers channels the sexy secretary look in sassy specs and a sheer minidress as she joins Pixie Geldof at eyewear launch
Essentially, by sexy secretary, the DM mean ‘wearing glasses‘. Lord knows how many people this makes ‘sexy secretary’, but we can think of a few. John Major, for example. Is he a sexy secretary DM? No. We thought not.
2. He’s a showboater! David Haye looks super muscly as he hangs out on a yacht in St. Tropez
A story about David Haye being a yacht. Tenuous news, even for the Daily Mail, but our problem stems from the headline. ‘Super muscly‘?! Who did they get to write that, a 17-year-old high school prom queen?
Fair play, David doesn’t look like he’d struggle in a bar brawl, but ‘super muscly’ is the linguistic equivalent of giving up, going to the pub and drowning your sorrows.
This isn’t the only gem though, dear readers, oh no. They also refer to a woman who is on board the yacht with David Haye as a ‘sea dweller’. SEA. DWELLER. We imagine in this picture she was saying something along the lines of ‘Avast, ye scurvy sea dog!’ because that’s what a sea dweller would say.
3. Working too hard? Kelly Brook looks pale and tired as she steps out completely make-up free amid busy filming schedule
Again, the DM have managed to make a story out of the fact that Kelly Brook isn’t wearing any make up. *GASP* IN THIS DAY AND AGE?! WOMEN SHOULD BE BEAUTIFUL AND MADE UP ALL THE TIME… Oh no, wait, it’s not 1950. Sorry, we forgot that women can go out without any slap on whenever the fuck they like.
4. That’s better! Diane Kruger is back to her off-duty best as she steps out in printed shorts just days after scruffy make-up free outing
Another ludicrous make-up related story from the Daily Mail, this time congratulating Diane Kruger for her decision to step out of her front door in a more acceptable outfit and a face of makeup.
We’re so happy for Diane that she managed to prepare a ‘casual look’ for going out this time, instead of selfishly insulting us all with ‘the scruffy appearance she displayed’ last week.
5. Can Primark ever look posh? Primark’s new collection is said to be its most stylish ever. Petronella Wyatt gives her verdict
Now this article doesn’t seem to ridiculous on the face of things. A little pretentious maybe, but not totally ludicrous.
Until you read the first paragraph, in which author Petronella Wyatt compares having to wear clothes from Primark to her organs having ‘given up the ghost’ and booking a trip to Dignitas. It’s Primark, Petronella, not a flesh eating diease.
The first paragraph was enough to merit inclusion in this column, but I’m afraid we can’t let you know much about Petronella’s findings, as that would involve reading the entire article, and we’re just not willing to do that.
PR exec who likes finding funnies and cool stuff online. Print journalism graduate.