More news that couldn’t look any less like news than if it was dressed up as the rear-end of a pantomime horse. Speaking of pantomimes, here is the best of the worst from the Daily Mail this week.
1. Watch your step! Lauren Goodger narrowly avoids walking into a puddle during day out in Essex!
The Daily Mail have confirmed what we all knew already, that there is nothing worse than stepping into a puddle. Nothing. Worse.
Thankfully, we can all rest easy in our beds tonight, as TOWIE star Lauren Goodger narrowly missed having to go through this ordeal as she was walking about in Essex.
“The quick-thinking reality star spotted the pool of water before walking right into it” I can’t even begin to fathom what the headline would’ve been if they had managed to pap her up to her ankles in rainwater.
I’m not even going to make a comment on the “quick thinking” part.
2. Subdued Kelly Brook wears a super short skirt as she spends a rare moment away from hunky boyfriend David McIntosh
According to the Daily Mail, if you’re seen out and about without a giant cheesy grin plastered across your face, then you’re miserable or, in this case, “subdued”.
Kelly Brook is on holiday in LA with her boyfriend, but having chosen to go out by herself, naturally the Daily Mail are wondering why she isn’t chaperoned by her man.
Apparently her other half was “nowhere to be seen” whilst she was out shopping, and “chose” to go for a workout whilst she hit up the shops. OF COURSE HE DID. Find me a man that actively wants to go shopping with his girlfriend and I will show you a liar.
Presumably the men that you see sat on stools around various high street fashion stores on a Saturday afternoon belong to Daily Mail journalists.
3. Mommy’s little helper! Make-up free Jennifer Garner gets some help from daughter Violet on grocery run on Santa Monica
It’s amazing how the Daily Mail harp on about immigrants ruining out country etc. etc. and yet they are so desperate for an American audience that they change the language that they use to appeal to foreign readers.
More news that’s not news; woman and daughter go to the shop. I must stop what I’m doing right now and learn all about this relevant and informative news story.
They have also commented on the eight-year-old’s fashion decisions, noting she had chosen to wear her “signature blue glasses”. She is eight years old, I doubt she had much of a choice.
4. Perfect blowout and a plunging, cleavage baring top? Just an average gym look for Khloe Kardashian
Now, to me, Khloe Kardashian’s hair looks like she could’ve just got out of bed and given it a brush. The Daily Mail has decided to go with the fact that she had a blow dry before going to the gym, which they disapprove of. And can’t prove.
However, late on they are scathing about the fact that “appeared to opt for a make-up free look.” Of course she fucking did, she’s going to the gym. Which is why she wouldn’t have gone for a blow dry either.
The fact that Khloe is showing off the slightest bit of cleavage isn’t acceptable to the DM either, despite the fact that many fit women with abs of steel choose to work out wearing cropped tops. Apparently a full body cover-up is needed.
Maybe make sure your gym shroud is washed for next time Khloe eh?
For the last story, I was torn between ‘Woman shows roots’ and ‘Couple go out for Valentine’s Dinner’. Quite the choice.
5. Cat and Pat forever! Ms Deeley and her husband Patrick Kielty enjoy a Valentine’s dinner at Nobu
That’s it. The Daily Mail have managed to write an entire article around the fact that a couple have gone out to eat on Valentine’s Day. Is there anything that could be considered less newsworthy?
The article is supported with pictures of the couple leaving the restaurant, getting into a taxi and, subsequently, sitting in the taxi. Fascinating.
Perhaps the most depressing part of this story is that it has 31 comments, a few of which are about what a “strange” couple they are. I’m sure Mr and Mrs Kielty are busy giving absolutely no fucks as they carry on with their happy lives together.
PR exec who likes finding funnies and cool stuff online. Print journalism graduate.