1. Did Katherine’s cleavage go to far at Thatcher funeral?
The Daily Mail, and a number of ‘outraged’ people on Twitter, yesterday deemed Katherine Jenkins’ dress an inappropriate choice of outfit for Margaret Thatcher’s funeral. Not that it’s any of their fucking business. We’re not sure which part of Katherine’s chest bone constitutes as cleavage, but then again we’ve got cat gifs to share and don’t have time to be outraged on Twitter.
2. The cosmetics your MAN should be wearing
Thankfully, Kate Moss’s make-up artist has show guys how to get a spring glow. I know what you’re thinking gents, ‘But make up is for girls!’ Fear not. Apparently this takes a masculine approach, with a hybrid between skincare and make up.
The problem we have with this isn’t that men shouldn’t be wearing make up, but that the article is aimed at women, telling them that the make up that they should be getting their men to wear. Shut up.
3. Can you guess when these women last made love?
Can you guess how many Spin Alley writers couldn’t give two shits?
Strap yourselves in folks and prepare to be shocked to your very core. SPOILER ALERT: Single girl about town hasn’t had sex in four and a half years and the single granny aged 64 got laid yesterday afternoon.
4. The rise of ‘Tittooing’: Women desperate for perfect nipples are having them tattooed on
Seriously. Apparently women now want their nipples tattooed in order to add colour and definition.
Note that they don’t specify ‘some women’. It’s all women that want jazzy new nipples. It’s roughly £1,200 for 12-18 months worth of nipple colouring-in. Bargain! We bet it hurts like fuck though.
5. Kim Kardashian wears JEANS as she dresses down to help Kourtney celebrate her birthday with a bowling party
This is not a drill. JEANS! KIM KARDASHIAN! WEARING JEANS!
Throw a couple of spelling and grammar errors into the mix and this really is the perfect news story.
6. What happened here? Modern Family star Sarah Hyland looks bedraggled just a day after premiering sleek new look
Sarah Hyland, who plays Haley Dunphy in hit show Modern Family, has been spotted at LAX airport the day after an awards do. The DM are questioning what on EARTH has happened to her.
The day after any awards do, we’d be struggling to roll over in bed, let alone get up and catch a flight. And even if we did leave the house, it would be to go to McDonalds in our pyjamas, so we wouldn’t have to go through the stress of getting dressed.
Essentially, the look that Sarah has gone for is what’s known to normal people as ‘casual’.
7. Joan Collins is right. Any woman who wants to stay beautiful (like me!) needs to diet every day of her life
Samantha Brick is a massive, massive twat. We refuse to give this article any more traffic than it is undoubtedly already giving, SO NO LINK FOR YOU, BRICK.
8. Off with her head? Queen almost comes a cropper as Lord Mayor swings his sword dangerously close to the monarch
One of the captions on the pictures claims that the Queen is ‘recoiling’ from the sword. Except her face looks exactly the same as it does in every single other picture on the page.
9. I hope this works’: Listed to Katie Price sing romantic wedding day ballad to groom Kieran Hayler
10. The little devil wears Chanel! Bad boy Justin Bieber poses in designer balaclava
But spells it ‘Channel’ on his Instagram account. Stop the world, we want to get off.
PR exec who likes finding funnies and cool stuff online. Print journalism graduate.