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Shiny Dave’s weasel words won’t wash

SHINY Dave’s speech writers must all still be on holiday, given the utter gibberish he’s been spouting in the likes of York this week. He’s been flying in and out of stricken towns and cities across the north of England using words like ‘unprecedented’ over and over again but not offering much support to those whose Christmases have been ruined, and could be cancelled next year too.

What Dave needs to do, apart from keeping on sending in the troops to help with the clear-up, is to put some money on the table and make it a hefty enough sum to ensure the scenes we’ve witnessed in the last few weeks never, ever happen again.

Over the festive season Dave found some time to party and he chose to do so at Sexy Fish, a glitzy new London restaurant. The private dining room where Cameron ate has a giant aquarium which apparently contains over 100 species of fish. When Shiny Dave was in York he should have taken the time to pop into Plonkers wine bar. He’d have found all sorts of species floating around in there, along with the chairs and tables – in filthy, stinking sewage water.

flood

Plonkers is an Only Fools and Horses themed-wine bar. It’s a wonder the good burghers of York don’t think the Environment Agency purchased the city’s flood defences from Del and Rodney. York is historically prone to flooding but when the heavens opened on Boxing Day, the flood defences, which were installed in 1986, proved to be utterly useless. They even raised the 16.5-ton barrier built to contain surges from the River Ouse and the River Foss. The Environment Agency said a pumping station had been ‘inundated with flood water’ which had disabled the electrical controls. You couldn’t make it up.

Shiny Dave needs to remember that the £10 million spent on flood defences in York alone was not enough. Time to get your cheque book out. Ever since the latest round of flooding began in Cumbria we’ve been fed the message of ‘extreme weather events’ as a result of ‘climate change’. This is of course, complete rubbish. Records show there was much heavier rain in Cumbria as long ago as the 19th century. The Met Office’s very own data confirms Britain experienced worse rain in 1929 and 1930, way before global warming was invented. Perhaps if you stopped housing developers concreting over the countryside willy-nilly, you might notice a difference.

THE latest video to go viral on YouTube is of a fat bloke trying to get out of a low-slung BMW i8.  The clip (YouTube/funnydays036) has been viewed more than 700,000 times. Instead of giving the chap a helping hand to get to his feet, onlookers are heard laughing hysterically and shouting things like ‘use your stomach muscles’.

I love driving my wife’s mid-life crisis (her words) convertible but perhaps it’s time we exchanged it for a roomy saloon before I too am filmed trying to roll out onto the pavement with all the elegance of a hippo. Take a look at the clip – it is hilarious but it could easily be me.

MEANWHILE spare a thought for poor old Russell Crowe. He has taken to Twitter to have a rant about Virgin Australia after they refused to let his kids bring Segway scooters onto his flight from Sydney. In true Prima Donna fashion the Gladiator star branded the ban on the hoverboards as ridiculous and refused to board the plane. There have been a few accidents where the devices have exploded, hence the ban.

Launching his tirade he said: ‘Ridiculous. No Segway boards as luggage? Too late to tell us at the airport. Kids and I offloaded. Goodbye Virgin. Never again’. If that’s the biggest thing the bloke has got to worry about God help him. He could be up to his armpits in floodwater.

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Kevan Blackadder

Written by Kevan Blackadder

Kevan Blackadder is a media consultant who runs Blackadder Media Limited. Kevan was previously editor of the Gloucestershire Echo and assistant editor of the Bristol Post. A Cumbrian who moved to the South West “for a couple of years” in the 1980s, he can’t quite believe he’s been there ever since.

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