As usual the show had the eclectic mix of Soul destroying ballads that
were less able to lift your sprits and more likely to have you running
for the cutlery draw for a creative session of self harm! Yes
Netherlands, I’m looking at you! Throughout Anouk’s performance of
“Birds” I was there with a teaspoon trying my hardest to dig to my nearest
There were also some stand out classic Eurovision tub thumpers too!
Finland’s uber camp “Marry me” was my personal favourite! A topical
choice with a full on lesbo lip lock at the end and one that pissed
Turkey off so much that it threw it’s toys out the pram and didn’t enter!
Aww diddums! Did Turkey not get the Eurovision memo this year? You
know the one that read: It’s fun, it’s sparkly & some people are gay,
so get over it!”
Moving on! Estonia sent a singing lampshade, Romania pinned the
nations hopes on a castrati Ming the Merciless and Armenia rolled out
Jesus! Hungary sent a a guy who looked so hipster my betting is he
even pisses Macchiatos!
The singing Dr from Malta was a pretty cute interlude to the evening
with his little ditty about Jeremy from IT & his Risk Assessments!
That guy really enjoyed himself on stage, bouncing around in his
tangerine chinos like a toddler who has just overdosed on Sunny
Delight & Skittles!
As one of the “Big 5 Contributors” (Read: Mugs!) to the contest we
were spared the semi finals & Britain’s big hope for the night was a
pensioner from Skewen who once had a hit when I was in kindergarden!
Still, it was a step up from last year! We sent a fucking corpse then!
Anyways, back to Bonnie Tyler. Fair play to her, she went out and gave
it some welly and at least we didn’t come last! That honour went to
Ireland! Remeber their act? No me neither but I did notice the
tattooed drummers dripping in baby oil! If that’s a representation of
a typical Irish male then excuse me for whilst I just go book me a
ticket on the 14:30 flight to Dublin!
As automatic qualifiers France and Germany played the safe bets for the
night. Frances cheery little “Hell & Me”, and Germany wheeling out
Cascada! No, me neither! I had to Google her!
In between the highlights there was the usual over load of whiney
dirge, wind machines and fire curtains. Mind you, given all the
man-made fibres in some of those frocks on the stage I would have
loved to have seen Jeremy’s risk assessment! One stray spark and it
would have been all over for Belarus!
The stand out eye candy for me on the show was Greece, hot men
in kilts and “Alcohol is Free”! It’s just a shame they brought their
granddad along! Did you see his Ukulele? Are Greece that piss poor
they couldn’t get him a decent one that he could pretend to play!
Ladies, if you want to know what it would look like to have a 95 year
old Albert Einstein lookalike flick your bean, then re-watch him
fingering his ukulele! No need to thank me!
Anyways, in these times of austerity, if Greece had of won the contest
then next year’s show would have been presented from a tent in a car
park in Athens!
The big prize of the night (and the shitty glass microphone trophy!)
went to Denmark. The winning formula there was drums and whistles and a
Hermione Granger lookalike who forgot her shoes!
The annual half time show is usually something to look forward to. If
you’re reading this in America then the Eurovision half time show is a
bit like the Super Bowl half time show, just shitter! Way more
shitter! The host country use it to show case their talent & this year
Sweden kicked off with roadkill, lesbians in boilers suits and Loreen!
Such fun! However, the show was saved by a truly awesome turn by the
evenings host Petra Mede! A full on leg kicking Fosse-esque piss take
about Sweden that will live in Eurovision history as the true winner
of the evening! Sweden, we salute you! Thank you for a great show!
Hope you enjoyed the show. Leave your comments on your favourites
below and until the Eurovision bandwagon rolls into Denmark next year,
I bid you farewell!
Now, do I need my passport to travel to Dublin?
Daren-Marc is an intermittent blogger who you would never have heard of! He’s usually found on Twitter bitching about everything from reality TV to wanting the feel up Chelsea Handlers tits! Daren has a job, lives in a house with his husband, 2 spaniels and a cat called Derek. His interests include Shiraz, gin & Kylie. He once went to Spain and his favourite colour is green.